The other day someone on Reddit voiced this quandary about her relationship:

We've been together several years now, and I know we need to have serious talks about the future and what we both want; but I'm afraid of where this will lead. I've thought about the best way to start the conversation without making my partner feel ambushed — does anyone have any advice?

When the stakes feel high and there is conflict, however inevitable, serious conversations can be hard for a lot of women. In this woman's case, she and her partner had been together for several years but had been avoiding discussions of the future because of their differing views. She very much wanted children, but he did not. Instead of addressing the elephant in the room, they were avoiding the conversation entirely and stuffing the feelings of discomfort. 

Reasons for Avoiding Hard Conversations

Avoidance of hard conversations is very common and can happen for various reasons, such as:

Fear of confrontation due to a dysfunctional childhood – If you were physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually abused for expressing a different opinion, you may be hypersensitive to conflict and avoid it like the plague.

Trauma and PTSD triggers – If your past experiences of conflict have been traumatic and/or brought on mental health symptoms, a hard conversation may be triggering. The prospect of being triggered again can keep you from engaging in a hard conversation.

Stress and the inability to cope with more – In a difficult season, life may be stressful enough, and the planning and effort involved in a hard conversation may seem like too much.

Anxiety over the outcome and worst-case scenarios – This may be the most common reason why people avoid hard conversations. They're afraid of the worst-case scenario, such as a break-up.

5 Tips for Having a Hard Conversation

While these and other reasons for avoiding a difficult conversation are understandable, they don't make the discomfort from an underlying conflict go away. Often, not talking about it only amplifies the tension. Here are five tips for how to have that uncomfortable but necessary and important conversation….

1)Prepare ahead of time – Think about what you want to say, your feelings, and your hopes for the conversation. Jot down some notes. Sometimes journaling can help here, too, by providing those useful “I” statements and identifying the root problem.

2)Don't be too ambitious in preparing – There may be multiple issues that need to be addressed, but attempting to address all of them in one conversation can amp up the pressure. Instead, try to isolate the issue that most needs to be addressed and tackle that instead — and, if your goal is to continue the relationship, consider this conversation as part of a longer one that doesn't need to be resolved immediately.

3)Decide how to approach the conversation – Some people prefer to schedule it. In this case, you can reach out in advance to request an in-person chat. At other times, it may not be a good idea to mention in advance what you want to talk about, such as an alcohol problem that is damaging the relationship. Find the right time and setting, one that is comfortable and that conveys thoughtfulness for the other person.

4)Communicate with care – Because anticipatory anxiety can make communicating with care difficult, it may be helpful to try some breathing exercises and prayer/meditation ahead of time. When it is time to share, do your best to be direct and honest; use “I” statements that express your thoughts and feelings; and try to cue in to what the other person is saying and how they are responding to you with their body language. If you can, repeat back to them what you hear them saying and ask them if you are hearing them correctly.

5)Invite input around solutions and next steps – You can demonstrate care by being willing to be flexible and collaborative about how to address the problem. Leave expectations about outcomes at the door. No matter what happens, you can take solace in knowing that you have done the brave and necessary thing and have grown in the process.